Dancing with the Stars Watch: First Cut is the Deepest

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We made it through one entire episode of Dancing with the Stars: All Star Edition without any physical injuries, obvious emotional damage, no Brooke Burke-Charvet malfunctions, and no sexual harassment lawsuits filed. So we can chalk up episode one as a big success, eh? Tonight the first of these so-called All Stars will be cut, and by all rights it should be Pamela Anderson whose lackluster and dazed performance left much to be desired. However the former Baywatch star has a distinct advantage…er make that two distinct advantages over her competitors. But the cut won’t happen until the last possible second of this stretched-to-the-maximum two-hour show. Who do we have to fill the time? Pitbull and a little upstart named Justin Bieber.

Let’s get to the time killing:

Best Way to Waste Time: For some inexplicable reason the DWTS producers made the results show a two-hour extravaganza. Despite the fact that this is ostensibly a dancing show, the first hour featured no dancing, but instead inane conversations between the All Stars and Tom Bergeron. Guess what all twelve (it felt like a 50!) finalists had in common? Everyone’s in it to win it. Also they really want it. It’s not totally clear what “it” is, so I’ll assume it’s chafing cream, because those sequin rashes are nothing to laugh at.

Biggest Surprise: Apparently they don’t show General Hospital in the Ukraine. When Season One champion Kelly Monaco tells her partner Val Chmerkovskiy that she is still working on General Hospital, he thinks she’s in the medical profession. Then everyone laughs at him because cultural sensitivity is not this show’s strong suit.

Best Advice: When Val tries to explain that he just doesn’t know an American soap opera, Tom Bergeron suggests that when you’re in a hole, to stop digging. Life lesson! Welcome to America! Watch more TV!

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The Best Geography Is Hard Moment: Poor race car diver Helio Castroneves is saddled with lowest common denominator blonde joke Chelsey Hightower. You know she’s a stereotype of a blonde joke because the producers ram the notion down our throats by showing a clip of her shocked that Brazilians speak Portuguese and South Americans speak Spanish. She defended her remarks by claiming she was confused because she thought Helio was talking about North America. Let’s not cut education funding any time soon, okay?

Best Repeat of the Performance: After almost an hour of painfully inane filler, Emmitt Smith and Cheryl Burke are the first performers to actually step onto the dance floor. The judges invited the high scorers to give an abbreviated repeat of last night’s performance. These two are so in the zone, maybe when they’re done they can referee an NFL match. Did I just make a football joke? It’s just because the show is giving me nothing to work with.

Best Bergeronism of the Night: When Maks Chmerkovskiy tells Kirstie Alley that she is the best partner he has ever had, Tom compliments him on his acting skills. Aw snap! Tom may be letting that Emmy go to his head. Isn’t it great?

Highest Approval Rating: As the 9 o’clock hour rolls around, we finally get some dancing. The pros show the stars how it’s done with a brilliant freestyle routine. The moment it ends, the camera cuts to erstwhile Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin, who gives it a big, “Wow.” That’s something that people of every political persuasion can agree on.

Most Anatomically Correct Outfit:  Remember Slim Goodbody? Me neither, but apparently Brooke Burke-Charvet does, because she is wearing a sequined replica of his anatomy suit. Might be time to get your colon checked, Brooke.

The First Round Votes: Olympians Shawn Johnson and Apolo Anton Ohno are the first dancers to be told they’re safe, followed by NSync-er Joey Fatone. Bristol Palin then finds herself in jeopardy.

Most Awkward Moment: Pitbull, back from his recent trip to Kodiak, Alaska, stopped by the DWTS ballroom to sing his hit single. Which one? Who knows, they all sound the same. Why is this awkward? Because one time the night’s main attraction, Justin Bieber, complained that Pitbull is on every song:

Okay there’s no real awkwardness here, but the show is giving me nothing tonight.

The Second Group Votes: Kelly Monaco and Helio Castroneves are both safe. Drew Lachey and Anna Trebunskaya are in jeopardy.

(MORE: Dancing with the Stars Watch: All-Stars Edition Kicks Off)

The Third Group Votes: Tom announces that Emmitt Smith and Cheryl Burke, and Gilles Marini and Peta Murgatroyd are all safe.
Most Awkward Moment Redux: For some reason, fan favorite Sabrina Bryan includes herself in the safe group and starts jumping up and down. Tom and Brooke must then assume the awkward responsibility of quashing her excitement, cueing up the spotlight, letting her wallow in her shame a moment and then announcing that Sabrina is, in fact, safe.
Most Justin Bieber Moment: Justin Bieber performs a Justin Bieber song and is very Justin Beiber about it. He also manages to dance despite the fact that he is wearing drop-crotch leather pants that hobble him.
The Fourth Group Votes: Kirstie Alley and Melissa Rycroft are safe, which means that unsurprisingly Pamela Anderson is in jeopardy. Her hair extensions look very sad about that.
And the Loser Is: Pamela Anderson. The saddest part of this is that Tristan McManus will be sitting on the sidelines for the rest of the season and thus will have very few reasons to take off his shirt.
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