Welcome back to everyone’s favorite reality show among the 18-45 year-old female demographic that is not American Idol, The Voice, or The Amazing Race. This week, Bachelorette Emily Maynard is packing up her bevy of beaus and hightailing it out of Charlotte. Destination? Bermuda. Hopefully the plane of chuckleheads will wander into the Bermuda Triangle and disappear and we can all spend our Monday nights doing something constructive with our lives. Although, there is something wildly fulfilling about studying the gel-usage to hair-loss ration among the greater douchebag population of lower North America. Maybe I’ll write a dissertation.
Here’s who stumbled on the path to love this week:
No Pressure Moment: Between shots of Emily romping on the beach with her daughter Ricki, she interviews that she can’t wait to come back to Bermuda with her husband. Maybe she’ll even be pregnant and pushing a stroller down the beach! That noise? The sound of half the men scrambling for the emergency exits.
Most Really Real Realization: International travel means one thing for Bachelor/ette contestants: It’s real now. The men all mull over the realness during their free stay at a luxury room in a gorgeous resort on a beautiful tropical island.
Best The Bachelor is Not Racist Moment: Alejandro, the mushroom farmer, reminds us that a) he exists and b) he is Latino and c) Emily has no idea who he is. But he’s there, representing. Take that, lawsuit!
Best Bleeping: Doug is extremely nervous about his first one-on-one date with Emily. Nerves seem to make Doug lose his sense of humor, a fact that entertains Arie to no end. He eggs Doug on until Doug lets loose with a tirade that undoubtedly exhausted the guy pushing the bleep button over at ABC HQ.
Best Juxtaposition: Occasionally the producers and/or editors of The Bachelorette desperately want to prove to us that they still have souls and show their humanity via brilliant editing. Such was the case tonight when they spliced Arie doing a Doug-as-Hulk impression (“Doug mad! Doug smash!”), with Emily talking about how sweet and mild-mannered Doug is. Emily thinks Doug never gets grumpy, which Arie would find funny. To his credit, Doug admits that he just Dad-voiced all the boys, which Emily finds charming.
Darkest Confession: During their date, Emily tries to get Doug to admit that he’s not perfect. You see, after Bachelor Brad, Emily wants honesty, not perfection. Doug, however, is perfect. To goad him on, Emily lists her faults: She doesn’t work out and goes out in public in her pajamas. Emily and I have a lot in common. Doug’s biggest fault is that he’s a guy. Yep, just a guy. Emily gives him the rose despite this glaring flaw.
Doug’s Real Flaw: Doug refers to himself in the third person. A lot. ”If Emily wants a kiss from Doug, she’ll let Doug know.” Can someone let Doug know that I don’t like Doug referring to himself as Doug?
The Group Date: It’s yellow shirts vs. red shirts in a boat race to the death, or at least what the men treat as death, namely going back to the Bermudan luxury hotel while the winning team goes on a date with Emily. During the race Emily, who was engaged to a professional race car driver, admits that she hates watching guys compete. The yellow team of Jef, Arie, Ryan, and someone else wins. Cue bro hugs for the winning team, and tears for the losing team. No, really. Charlie proves that there is something far more humiliating than losing a challenge on The Bachelorette, namely crying in the minivan on the way back to the hotel.
Ryan’s Greatest Misses: During the celebration dinner, Ryan toasts to his “beautiful trophy … possible wife.” It’s a sentiment so full of hot air that the Coast Guard issues a storm warning for the greater Bermuda area. Later, Ryan chides Emily for kissing Arie in public, after all Emily came on a reality television dating show to be a role model. Emily then calls out the institutionalized sexism on The Bachelorette and points out that no one would have batted an eye about a Bachelor making out. In fact it’s required for The Bachelor to tongue kiss all potential mothers of his children.
TLA almost 4EVA: Entrepreneur Jef is opening up. In The Bachelor/ette world that means making naked proclamations of love on the second date. Jef declares his impending feelings for Emily and then notes that he hurt his fingers for her during the boat race. Like a good mama, she kisses his booboo to make it better. Jef won the rose for the evening, because he left Emily wanting more by making her wait for a first kiss.
Ryan’s Greatest Miss, Part II: Emily wants to find out the extent of Ryan fat-ist tendencies, “What if I was chasing your kids around and didn’t have time to go to the gym?” Ryan’s response? “God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman.” In other words: No.
The Two-on-One Date: Nate, who I swear I have never seen in my life (yes I may have said that last week as well, it’s still true), and John “Wolf” are going on a dreaded two-on-one date, where two men enter, one man leaves. The gruesome threesome goes for a cruise in the Bermuda Triangle and when that doesn’t make one of them disappear, they head into a cave to eat and, hopefully, be eaten. During the dining à la cave, Emily groans that the date is really awkward, but it’s really just Nate’s pronunciation of quinoa. He pronounces the grain like it’s an extra Hawaiian Island (kween-oh-wa) when it is actually pronounced like a Japanese compliment (keen-wa). Best part? He thinks he sounds knowledgeable and worldly.
The Verdict: Nate attempts to justify his existence by telling Emily how much he values family. Then he tears up talking about his brother. Emily claims it was “sweet,” but it’s clear that for Emily, nothing says not-husband-material like a man who cries while talking about his friends. Data destruction specialist (I think he majored in advanced paper shredding in college?) Wolf claims that he doesn’t need to draw attention to himself. Yet he chooses to be known as Wolf. Emily’s decision is made. She picks Wolf, but insists on calling him John, because she is self-aware enough to know that she could never be married to a man named Wolf. But at least a man named Wolf is less likely to end up in tears while, say, trying to get a spider out of a bathtub.
Biggest Threat: Ryan is uncertain about his future on the show, but fear not—he promises that if Emily sends him packing, he’s going to head back home and start working on Bachelor Ryan, a show he promises would be “neat” for everybody to see. Then Ryan flat out admits that he’s not there for the right reason, claiming he’s called to something “bigger” than Emily. Clearly not anyone larger than a size 4.
Dumbest Fight: During the cocktail party, Chris feels that he “has to” call out Doug. They had gotten into a kerfuffle earlier because Doug felt that he, at 33, was more mature than Chris, who clocks in at 25. Chris was wildly offended by this and now urgently needs to tell Doug that. Chris doesn’t believe him. Not about anything in particular, but just in general. Proving that he, at the age of 25, is ready to be a husband and father, Chris reminds Doug, “You’re talking to a grown-ass man!” Which is pretty much the best answer to anything a four-year-old tells you. So, yeah, Chris is ready for parenting.
The Rose Ceremony: Chris Harrison earns his salary by showing up and reminding Emily that she has to get ready for the Rose Ceremony. Before Emily winnows her bachelor herd, she and Chris sit down for a fireside chat that would make Franklin Roosevelt blush. Emily giggles over Arie, explains that she doesn’t think Alejandro is ready for parenting, is suspicious of Doug, and assures him that she’s on to Ryan. That doesn’t mean she’s sending him home though. Nope, Ryan is staying. Sean gets the first rose, followed by Arie, and Travis, who merits a Who’s That Guy? Chris gets a well-deserved dark look from Doug upon claiming his rose.
Biggest Shock: Emily is keeping Kalon. I guess she wants to find out more about the planet he’s from, which, ironically, is also called Kalon.
On the Bottom: When Chris Harrison points out that there is only rose left, Charlie, Alejandro and Michael are all waiting. Emily gives the rose to Alejandro because suck it, lawsuit! Michael, the long-haired rehab counselor who frighteningly has never been in love before, tears up at his dismissal. Charlie cries out of his one real eye and declares that it sucks that he won’t be able to continue on the beautiful journey that he started.
Next week: London. As Emily notes, “It’s so old!” Like Doug.
Things to Look Forward to: Emily promises to teach us all how to do the running man before the season ends.