Dancing with the Stars Watch, Results: Three’s Company

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DANCING WITH THE STARS - "Episode 1409" - After last week's nerve-racking double elimination, the four remaining couples faced off in the semifinals of "Dancing with the Stars," MONDAY, MAY 14 (8:00-9:31 p.m., ET), on the ABC Television Network. The couples performed one new Ballroom and one new Latin dance to determine which three couples would land in the finals. (ABC/ADAM TAYLOR) MARIA MENOUNOS, DEREK HOUGH

After last night’s Dancing With the Stars performances, it seemed clear which pair should be going home before the season finale. When the dancers are so evenly matched and one biffs the ending she should go, right? But this is a dancing show, so it’s only fair that they keep you on your toes. So who is going home? Do we expect who we least expect? Or expect who we most expect? What do we expect when we are expecting? Let’s get some results and some aspirin for this headache caused by so many philosophical questions.

Whose twinkling toes are heading home? Let’s find out:

Repeat Offender: The judges couldn’t get enough of William Levy shaking his bon bon and had him and Cheryl Burke perform their jiggly wiggly dance again. Revisiting the sassy samba gave us another chance to leer (Len was looking. Again.) but also to note that William’s white patent leather shoes are absolutely heinous. Burn them!

Highest Potential of Crocodile Tears: After a replay of Katherine Jenkins finale foul-up, she looks like she’s going to yarf all over Mark Ballas’ pretty pink zoot suit. But it’s not pain, it’s nerves. She’s convinced she is going home for her botched ending. And if this was a real dance competition, she would. But this is a popularity contest and after her sobbing meltdown, America opened their heart and dialed her number. That’s right,  she is safe. As for that back injury? She showed no sign of it when Tom Bergeron told her she was safe and started jumping all over the stage almost like her pants were on fire.

(MORE: Dancing with the Stars Watch: The Final Four)

Design a Dance: I’ll admit that I’ve never really understood Design-A-Dance. It’s one of the many segments that this show doesn’t bother explaining because they assume you’ve watched all 14 seasons of the show. What I can gather is that it’s the Fashion Plates equivalent of dance where fans mix and match the dance,  dancers, style and song. It ends up sounding like a Clue result: Tristan MacManus and Chelsie Hightower in the ballroom with a Brazilian Beyoncé. It looked just like it sounds.

Best Flashback: Alanis Morrisette (remember her?) reminds us she still exists and is wildly relevant by re-surfacing on a show aimed squarely at the geriatric demographic. Remember to buy the new CD and take your calcium supplement.

Strangest Moment: During some behind-the-scenes footage, Maria Menounos licks her hand and wipes it on Cheryl’s hair, and Cheryl thanks her. If there’s no business like show business, I’ll stay right here in writing, thanks.

What I Missed Yesterday: Apparently when Maria and Derek started their dance yesterday, Maria was dead on a table. Not literally, but just dead in the dance. Derek brought her to life via defibrillator and they scored a perfect 30. Jeeze I know they’ve been talking about Maria’s health a lot on this show, but I had no idea of the extent of her injuries.

Biggest Shock: No, not the defibrillator. It’s that despite topping the leaderboard, a perfect score and rave reviews, Maria and Derek are in jeopardy. This shouldn’t come as a huge surprise, because it keeps feeling like the judges or producers are trying to make Maria and Derek happen, like they owe Extra! some ad revenues or something. Yet it is still a bit surprising to see the duo in the bottom.

Least Sympathetic Hostess: Brooke Burke Charvat is supposed to be interviewing William Levy and Donald Driver, but their nerves are getting all over her. She ends up yelling at them, “You guys are stressing me out!” And Brooke can’t risk getting wrinkles in her weave.

 Wildest Promotion: Rock of Love, the musical turned movie, takes over the Dancing with the Stars stage with an impressive array of leopard prints, zebra stripes, feathers and leathers. It kind of looks like Lorne Green’s Wild Kingdom suffered a tragic accident just before the dance started. Mary J. Blige still has it going on, though. Maybe she can teach Alannis a thing or two.

Worst Outfit Ever? Julianne Hough makes her triumphant return to the Dancing with the Stars stage in a seafoam green fringed swim suit that she paired with white cowboy boots, feather earrings, a floral print waist wrap and a few studded belts. It’s The Worst, and, as you know, on this show, that’s really saying something.

Best Performance of the Night: Carrie Underwood continues her reality show tour to perform “Good Girl” off her new album, the title track of which she performed on her home turf of American Idol a few weeks ago. She has very white teeth.

Judgement Night: Tom quickly announces that William and Cheryl are going to the finals. That means Green Bay Packer and Super Bowl champion Donald Driver is in jeopardy, pitted against talk show host Maria Menounos. As Tom said, “Whichever way this goes, it’s gonna suck.” Oh, is this what Sophie’s Choice is about? I’ve never read it.

The Results: Maria and Derek are out. Despite their perfect scores, perfect smiles and perfect chemistry. Life can be brutal, guys. And by life we mean reality television, of course. On the way out, Brooke asks Maria her go-to question, “What did you take away from this whole experience?” I’m guessing she’s learned how to be a better television host, just from watching Brooke these past weeks.

Come back next week for the finale when three people you probably never heard of before this show started dance for a trophy no one wants in their living room.

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