Four contestants, three judges, two dances in one night of Dancing with the Stars. It reads like a math problem, but in fact it is far more fun that! We have reached the semi-final rounds of this endearingly ridiculous contest. Last week we saw the elimination of both Little House on the Prairie star Melissa Gilbert and Disney teen sensation Roshon Fegan. The four remaining contestants — Katherine Jenkins, Maria Menounos, Donald Driver and William Levy — face off to avoid the indignity of going home in fourth place, which, as you know, wouldn’t get a medal in the Olympics and thus would result in execution in some countries. Or so we’ve heard.
Here’s how the path to the Mirrorball Trophy was paved this week:
It Takes Two: William Levy and Cheryl Burke lead the show with a saucy semi-robotic tango to “Sweet Dreams,” which was strangely fitting, although it is hard to imagine the Eurythmics thinking “tango!” when they wrote it. The only sad part of the dance is that Cheryl is wearing a lampshade for pants.
Best Pronunciation: Len Goodman gets so worked up after William’s dance that he declares he hasn’t been this excited since his mother put him in long trousers, which makes me feel kind of sorry for Len’s lovelife. Carrie Ann Inaba nit-picks constructively, but, as usual, Bruno Tonioli wins by calling William a “dick-tator” (spelling implied, naturally) of the tango. Final score = 28.
Best Definition of Growth: Welsh singer Katherine Jenkins can’t believe how much she has grown during this competition. You see, she used to ask for more material on the skimpy dresses and now she’s considering exposing her stomach as a belly dancer on national television. Oh is that what they mean by personal growth?
Best Fake Out: Carrie Ann sadly tells Katherine that in order to win she must bring her A game …and she didn’t. The crowd boos and starts looking under their seats for their pitchforks and torches. Carrie Ann starts giggling and says Katherine brought her A + game and that was the best dance she has ever seen on Dancing with the Stars. That translates into a 10 from Carrie Ann for a total of 29.
Foggiest Performance: After leaping over two full-grown women during last week’s performance, there’s no chance Donald Driver will deliver as exciting a dance. So instead he and Peta Murgatroyd re-enact a commercial for a ’70s feminine hygiene product. They wear white and dance around in a dreamy mist. The judges ramble on about romance and angel feet and whatnot. They end up with a score of 28 out of 30.
First Perfect Score: Maria and Derek flubbed it last week with their Bollywood-inspired samba, but this week amid a river of tears, they nailed it apparently. Bruno got so lost in his trail of adjectives, “Tailored, enticing, titillating, caresses, expectations beyond my wildest dreams,” that Len has the good sense to get up and vacate the premises. Maria, who appears to have gone deaf out of nerves, keeps asking what? what? like an old lady who forgot to turn up her hearing aid. They got a perfect 30, causing Maria to almost tear down Brooke Burke-Charvat’s skybox.
Most Moving Tale: William Levy had no clothes when he came to the U.S., which sounds titillating, but is sad. He tells us about his travails leaving Cuba and becoming the biggest star in South America. Then he dances a samba and shakes what his mama gave him encased in incredibly tight white pants. The crowd can’t control themselves and neither can Carrie Ann and Bruno. Bruno starts rambling about the pleasure zone and Carrie Ann can barely talk in excitement. Even Len admits, “I have never looked at a man’s bum for so long” and tosses out a junk-in-his-trunk reference that William is going to go type into his Google Translate. He gets a perfect 30.
Most Random Guest Appearance: Andrew Lloyd Webber and/or Piers Morgan explaining how exciting it is that Katherine Jenkins was accepted into the Royal Academy of Music and then got a record contract. It’s like the producers had to prove her credentials by importing the most high-profile British people they could find and One Direction was busy.
Slightly Silliest Sob Story: Katherine Jenkins got dumped, guys. But Dancing with the Stars was there to pick her up, dust her off, and help her find her smile. “This whole process has helped me get back on my feet again,” which is just like William’s story of working his way up from abject poverty to superstardom. Katherine explains that it’s hard to focus when you’re going through something in your personal life. Yeah? Tell it to Adele, Kathy.
Worst Guilt Feeling: If you were guffawing at Katherine’s “tragedy” in comparison to William’s, you’ll want to take it all back when she biffs it at the end of her performance, by slipping a disk or having a back spasm or something. She breaks down and then the judges all try to cheer her up as she stiff-upper-lips it and apologizes to everyone. They give her a string of 9s and call a doctor.
Best Influence: Ever want to see a grown man cry? Get him to describe having his mother give him to his grandmother because his father was in jail and she couldn’t feed her five kids. Driver took up selling drugs and playing football until he met his wife, who made him drop the former and keep up with the latter. Or else.
Sauciest Move: Dancing to “Mr. Big Stuff,” on a dollar bill-covered dance floor, Donald’s uptight businessman persona pulls Peta’s secretary garb off revealing a…well, a revealing outfit. Don’t try this at home, kids.
Biggest Disappointment: No ten from Len for Donald Driver. Again. Instead they scored a nearly perfect 29 and an aside from Tom Bergeron, “Man, what is it gonna take to get a 10 from Len?” Who knows, Tom. Who knows.
Best Rumor Squashing: Maria Menounos has a boyfriend. No really. He came on the show to prove he exists and to kill any rumors that she’s dating Derek Hough. Also Vince McMahon, CEO of WWE wresting, is on her side so if anyone wants to argue, he will pile drive you. They earn a very respectable 29 out of 30 for their jive, so sadly there was no need for Vince to tag in and slam Len with a folding chair.
Come back tomorrow to see who is going home, who is in the finals, and who forgets to wear waterproof mascara.