Dancing with the Stars Watch: Putting the Classy in Classical

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Roll over Beethoven and tell Tchaikovsky the news, because it’s classical night on Dancing with the Stars. That means 16 additional instruments, performances by Joshua Bell, Jackie Evancho, Vittorio Grigolo, and an orchestra spilling over into the ballroom’s fire exits. Being a classically trained musician who sang during last year’s classical week, it is Katherine Jenkins’ night to shine. Hopefully she’ll fare better than Gladys Knight did during Motown Week. Also on the agenda for the evening? The first ever Classical Week team dance.

Let’s see how the stars tiptoed through the tulips this week:

Worst Pick Up Line Ever: As Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas prepared for their rumba to “Canon in D,” which probably doesn’t happen every day, Mark declared, “You can’t spell “classical without ass!” and choreographed a very handsy routine that involved a lot of derreriere clenching. Mark must be a lot of fun at a sports bar.

Most Evocative Costumes: Tom Bergeron declared that Katherine and Mark’s outfits were straight out of Game of Thrones: The Musical, but in reality they were much more Caligula: The Musical!, which we would definitely watch. Aw heck, we would watch both.

Most Dramatic Entry: Despite an injury that almost made him tag in his brother Val, Maks Chmerkovskiy lifted Melissa Gilbert over his head and carried her onto the dance floor King Kong-style to perform an Argentine tango.

Best Keeping It in Perspective Moment: After the judges gave her performance a paltry 21 points, Brooke Burke Charvat asked Melissa how she felt and Melissa shrugged, “I just performed that dance in front of the man who operated on my spine.” So yeah, who cares about the score?

Best Guest Appearance By the Smoke Monster: William Levy and Cheryl Burke performed their Viennese waltz to “Ave Maria” which was sung by a 12-year-old soprano virtuoso. As they danced the floor was filled with pea-soup level fog. Ugh, the Phantom of the Opera called and he wants his set back.

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Growin’ Up Is Hard To Do: Disney star Roshon Fegan begged Val Chmerkovskiy to teach him how to be a man. Val complied and taught the teen how to add some manliness to the Argentine tango. Not shown: Tom Bergeron showing Roshon how to throw a baseball and Cheryl Burke teaching him how to belch.

Biggest Cheat: It’s classical night, yet when Roshon and Chelsie took the floor they danced to an orchestral version of “Bad Romance.” I’m sure Vivaldi would have listened to Lady Gaga, too, if he had the chance.

Least Attentive Judge: During Donald Driver and Peta Murgatroyd’s routine, Carrie Ann Inaba got busted for not paying attention and had to admit that she didn’t see a lift, because she was checking Twitter or playing MASH. They earned 27 out of 30 due to judicial misconduct.

Least Sucky Performance: Derek Hough and Maria Menounos wowed as a vampire (complete with fangs) and vampire hunter doing a dramatic paso dobles to “Montagues and Capulets.” They get the first perfect 30 of the season. Even the BrookeBot’s normally staid operating system cracked a little with excitement.

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Cleverest Song Choice: Kym Johnson is wily. She choreographed her and Jaleel White’s Viennese waltz to the Downton Abbey theme song, which is an easy way to appeal to the senior citizen demographic and earn some extra votes. Unfortunately the judges weren’t fans of their moves and they only earned 24 points. Fun Fact: The Downton Abbey theme song has words! Who knew?

There’s No ‘I’ in Team: Much like my most bitter memories of middle school gym class, when it came to the team dances, the point leaders — Katherine Jenkins and William Levy — got to choose their teams. Last pick? Jaleel White. He didn’t seem that hurt as he joined Team Tango along with Katherine, Maria and Roshon. They earned a respectable 27 for their synchronized tango.

Most Outstanding Use of Pecs: For Team Pasos dramatic paso dobles to “Carmina Burana,” William Levy, Donald Driver and Maks Chmerkovskiy all danced sans shirts. As Bruno Tonioli crowed about the performance, they rushed the stage to encourage the judge in his voting. Len called it when he said, “You three undressed for success.” And the women of America applaud their efforts. They earned a 26, despite the brazen shirtlessness.

Who did you vote for? Did the site of William’s bare chest sway your decision? Head to the comments.