On Monday on Dancing with the Stars, we laughed, we cried, and we cried some more as the D-list contestants shared the most memorable moments of their lives set to a salsa, samba, or jive beat. Some dancers had emotional breakthroughs that would make their therapist jealous (Jaleel White, we’re looking at you) while others revealed a secret sideline as a Wrestlemania vixen (Maria Menounos, we’re still in shock). The dancers cried, the judges cried, and the first tens of the season were handed out. Now that the tears are dried, one of the dancers must head home, ousted by an American public who was unmoved by their dance steps and their tales of woe.
So who will be watching the rest of the competition from home? Let’s find out:
The Results: Former teen heartthrob and Heather Locklear lover Jack Wagner danced his last samba. He will hopefully take some consolation in his brand new daughter and the fact that he went out on his best dance. Now Jack can go back to serving cocktails by the pool or wearing white pants on a sheikh’s yacht or whatever he was doing before surfacing here.
Best Faux Shock: While Katherine Jenkins may be a singer by trade, she is also a skilled actress. Despite the fact that she was firmly on the top of the leader board for the second week in a row, when Tom Bergeron announced that she was safe, Katherine looked genuinely surprised and happy. Yeah yeah.
Silliest Comeback Attempt: Seal made what I believe to be his first post-Heidi Klum divorce announcement television appearance. While I applaud the fact that didn’t sing “Kiss From A Rose” (again), belting out “Lean on Me” while the troupe dances is just a cry for help. Take it up with your therapist and leave it off the DWTS stage.
In Jeopardy: Despite baring his head and his heart last night, singer Gavin DeGraw was once again in the bottom three. Joining him in his public humiliation were singing legend Gladys Knight and her partner Tristan McManus, which was a bit of a surprise considering this show’s demographic and her celeb status.
Depressing Moment Du Jour: Just in case you missed one or two tears while you were watching last night’s bawl fest, or if you just don’t feel right watching this show without crying, pro Anna Trebunskaya and her husband Jonathan Roberts have a special dance to share. Their performance was dedicated to their friend, another dancer, who is about to die from cancer. Brooke Burke Charvat was practically ugly crying into her cleavage before the dance even started. The waltz was brief, brutal and short, hence very uplifting and perfect to cry to.
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Best Reaction: When Sherri Shepherd found out that she was safe for another week, she got so excited that she whipped her weave back and forth, much to the amusement of brothers Maks and Val Chmerkovskiy who helped the talk show host straighten her hair. Tom Bergeron noted that next week Sherri would be over the dehydration she complained of, but performing in a neck brace.
Most Meta Dance: The Macy’s Stars of Dance made their first appearance of the season. Despite watching this show regularly (as you may have noticed) it’s still not clear what the point of these segments is or where they find these stars of dance. Perhaps there’s a separate reality show where they win a spot to appear on this reality show?
Worst Advice: Rascall Flatts performed one of their hits while Martina Navratilova’s former partner danced a dramatic routine under a spotlight. Then the lead singer recommended that his friend Gavin DeGraw swap his fedora for a fez, which was probably the best worst advice in the history of worst advice.
The Grand Finale: In the final minutes of the show, Tom gathered the bottom three for one last hurrah. He quickly told Gladys and Tristan that they were safe. Then Tom asked Gavin if he was surprised to find himself in this position again and Gavin ruefully admitted that he wasn’t, which almost made me like him. Then Jack took the bad news like a champ and took one last spin around the dance floor.
Come back next week, because it is rock week. KISS will be bringing their show to the Dancing with the Stars ballroom, and you know you can’t miss that.
Did the right contestant go home? Is Katherine Jenkins going to take it all? Tell us in the comments.