Welcome to the first results show of this season of Dancing with the Stars. Yes, at long last someone is getting kicked off this show. While no D-list celebrity wants to suffer the indignity of being the first to go, if this show is ever going to end so we can suffer the indignity of watching Emily Maynard as The Bachelorette, someone needs to start the slow evacuation of this dwindling dance party.
So who went home?
The Result: Martina Navratilova is out. In the behind-the-scenes footage we saw that the tennis pro was extremely upset by her performance on the dance floor. While the routine was a lead-footed disaster, it’s still sad to watch a former champion and living legend felled by a lack of ability to jive in a bedazzled tennis net shirt. But don’t feel too bad for Martina. While she won’t be able to add a Mirrorball Trophy to her award case, she’ll always have her 18 Grand Slam singles titles, 31 Grand Slam women’s doubles titles (an all-time record), and 10 Grand Slam mixed doubles titles to keep her warm at night.
Most Obvious Riding On Coattails: While everyone on the planet (maybe the solar system) loves Laura Ingalls Wilder, Melissa Gilbert has not proven herself to be especially likable or skilled at dancing. Luckily for her she was paired with perennial fan favorite Maks Chmerkovskiy. Every week that Melissa survives despite a dismal performance is due to Maks and Halfpint’s legacy.
(LIST: The All-TIME 100 TV Shows)
Biggest Surprise: Despite having some of the highest scores, tween sensation Roshon Fegan and pro Chelsie Hightower were in jeopardy of being sent home. While the duo was ultimately safe, if you ever wondered about this show’s demographic, here is a hint: Old people don’t recognize Disney stars.
Best Onstage Duo: Trick question! The only duo onstage tonight was Sugarland’s lead singer and Matt Nathanson performing their song ‘Run’ together. I give it an 8.
Most Obvious Sucking Up for Votes: During his five minutes on the show tonight, Urkel a.k.a. Jaleel White couldn’t help but mention that he has a two-year old daughter who he needs to feed and clothe. Can you please keep him around so he can pay the bills?
Best Way to Avoid a Riot: Don’t kick Latin heartthrob and telenovela star William Levy off the show so he can come back next week and dance the salsa with partner Cheryl Burke. If he doesn’t win this competition, his many and vocal fans will cut someone. Probably Len.
Most Famous Audience Member Du Jour: Katie Couric has expressed interest in enlisting in DWTS, so it’s not a surprise to see the former newscaster sitting in the audience but, according to Tom Bergeron, Katie “keeps grabbing my butt. She’s worse than Maks!” That should have her thinking twice about wanting to join the cast.
Best Monty Python Reference: Apparently Maria Menounos performed with two broken ribs last night, but she grinned and beared it, giving Tom Bergeron no choice but to quote Monty Pyhon and the Holy Grail, “It’s only a flesh wound!” in his best British accent. Love you Tom! Call me!
Favorite One Liner: Sherri Shepherd says that the show is going to have to get a restraining order if they want her off. Hey ABC, I would watch a show that was just Tom and Sherri making everyone laugh. Luckily the show won’t have to hire a lawyer yet — and we won’t have to wait for ABC to launch The Sherri and Tom Show — because Sherri is safe, as are Maria Menounos and Katherine Jenkins, the unknown opera singer, who would win this thing if people had any idea who she was. Also safe? Green Bay Packer Donald Driver and once upon a teen heartthrob Jack Wagner. That means that Gavin DeGraw is in jeopardy.
The Most Suspense: Trick! There was no suspense. The bottom three were Gavin DeGraw, Roshan Fegan and Martina Navratilova. Roshan had some of the highest scores of the past two weeks, Gavin DeGraw is young and funny, and Martina made many errors on the dance floor last night, but none so egregious as her tennis net shirt. So it was no real surprise that she went home.
Classiest Move: When Martina looked glum after finding out she was leaving, Gavin told her, “It was an honor to be on this stage with you.”
Did the right couple go home? If not, tell us who you think it should it have been in the comments.
(LIST: The All-TIME 100 TV Shows)