Welcome to the second night of competition of the nine millionth season of Dancing with the Stars. While last week had the highest scores of any premiere week, it was still wildly disappointing that not single contestant was ousted. We can only hope that means there will be a double elimination any second now, maybe involving a trapdoor and a crocodile-infested pit. This week’s scores are going to be added to last week’s scores, along with fan votes, for Tuesday’s elimination show, featuring Sugarland and Matt Nathanson.
Let’s see whose scores the judges inflated this week:
Best Accessory: Hostess Brooke Burke Charvat showed off in a peekaboo cut-out dress that looked like a Beauty and the Beast’s Belle outfit that you pick up at the adult costume shop.
Take it as a Compliment: Disney star Roshon Fegan & Chelsie Hightower’s quick step to a Good Charlotte song got a rave from Len Goodman who called their dance “young and fresh,” which is pretty much like your grandpa calling a car phone a refreshing change of pace from a land line. They earned a 26.
Biggest Disappointment: It’s hard to say whether Val Chmerkovskiy or Sherri Shepherd looked more surprised that she managed to once again wow the judges with her routine. Yet after some kind words and a near marriage proposal from Carrie Ann Inaba, the judges only gave her a 23.
Most Important Fact: As she prepared for her quick step, Melissa Gilbert made sure we all knew that she dated Billy Idol in the ’80s, so it’s not at all weird that she is dancing (poorly) to her ex-boyfriend’s song (“Dancing with Myself” specifically) on national television 30 years later. She earned a meager 20 and Billy Idol probably de-friended her on Facebook.
Worst Retro Vibe: It’s a good thing Jack Wagner hasn’t gained a single pound since he was 28, so he could still fit into the outfit he wore to the Saturday Night Fever premiere back in ’77, namely, brown polyester vest and matching pants with a pumpkin orange shirt. Shudder. He over-danced but still fared better than Melissa Gilbert with a 21.
Best Bergeronism: Poor Judge Len had no idea why people were booing his sharp critique of Motown legend Glady Knight’s performance. He mentioned his confusion to host Tom Bergeron, who then announced to the audience that he wanted to go home and watch the movie Clueless. Zing! Perhaps to make up for last week’s wildly exaggerated scores, Gladys Knight’s quick step with Tristan MacManus earned a lowly 19. No senior citizen discounts tonight.
Weirdest Prop: A craps table! Katherine Jenkins (the Welsh opera singer no one in the States has heard of) and her partner pro Mark Ballas kicked off their routine with a few vaguely unfortunate getting-ready-to-throw-the-dice hand gestures (think about it!) before launching into an energetic routine that finished with a spin of a giant slot machine with the judges’ faces. They earned a 26 for their efforts.
Best Nerd For Life Moment: If you’re Jaleel White and attempting to fight off years of nerd stereotyping as the world’s Urkel, why would you agree to dress as an ice cream parlor soda jerk for your second national outing since wearing coke bottle glasses, suspenders and high water pants? White shoes before Memorial Day alert! He earned a 22.
Silliest Costume: Get those raccoons out of the trash! Oh it was just Maria Menounos and Derek Hough and their masked “flying killers” theme that had me thinking Hamburglar. Their jive was fast paced, fun to watch and a vast improvement over last week — a fact that their score reflected. They got a 25 despite Maria’s rib injury. Now who wants a hamburger?
Saddest Love All Moment: Martina Navratilova wore a bikini top, shimmy pants and a bedazzled tennis net top to do the jive. Carrie Ann Inaba declared the routine sad due to all the errors. Then they complimented Martina because if you can’t say anything nice about the dance, you compliment the tennis legend making an ass of her self on television for our entertainment. 17.
Most Effective Tough Love: For some reason Peta Murgatroyd thinks the cure for low scores from the judges is to make an even more difficult routine for Green Bay Packer Donald Driver. And you know what? It worked and they earned a 24. Insert your own football analogy here.
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Classiest Move: When Donald and Peta got in front of the judges, Len admitted that he had underscored their performance last week and apologized to the duo.
Most Suspicious Accessory: Singer Gavin DeGraw clearly has a sense of humor, but one thing he does not joke about is his hat. That thing does not come off. Luckily for his presumed secret bald spot, the costume designers were able to keep it covered with a leather cap in his Wild Ones-inspired routine. Bruno Tonioli loved the look, but the singer still only earned a 21.
Best Pitch for Votes: Cheryl Burke promised that the more votes she and Latin heartthrob William Levy get the more clothes they will take off. Considering the ladies didn’t stop screaming for his entire performance, she may be on to something. The judges gave him a 25, but the ballroom odds were clearly in his favor.
Come back tomorrow to find out which of these trotters is heading home to bed.
Who earned your vote and who do you think deserves to go home? Tell us in the comments.