The Bachelor Watch: The Women Tell All, Say Nothing

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NICK RAY / ABC

Welcome back to The Bachelor, sort of. While Ben Flajnik is down to two girls on his path towards love or something like it, the producers (as always) are having trouble letting go. So instead of watching a heartfelt and sincere proposal featuring a Neil Lane diamond ring, instead we get to watch two hours of women saying things like, “I didn’t come to make friends!” “Ben’s hair is so cute!” and “She’s not there for the right reasons.” Which is to say it’s the Bachelor reunion show, where the women tell all without actually saying anything.

Oh reunion show, how do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways:

Mouthiest Stranger: Who is Samantha? Since she is sitting on stage, we must assume that she was on the show. We must also assume that the non-stop stream of inane chatter coming out of her mouth at increasingly high volume is part of the reason why Ben didn’t keep her around long enough to make an impression.

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Most Honest Appraisal: Britney, who recused herself from the season, admits that she bailed because she had “absolutely no attraction to Ben.” Finally someone brave enough to admit that Ben looks like the result of some mad scientist taking the most mole-like parts of Rafael Nadal and Josh Groban and Splice-ing them together with some stray gerbil DNA!

The Host Who Says Things: When Shawntel stopped by the set to talk about her bullying, Chris Harrison introduces her as “the hottest undertaker in the business.” Then Chris introduced Emily as “the hottest rapping epidemiologist in all the land.” It’s like he just sees these women as nothing more than their most obvious surface qualities. Which can’t be true.

Worst Display of Sisterhood: When introducing Shawntel, the interloper who tried to woo her way on to Ben’s season, Chris Harrison swore that “America is still buzzing about the night Shawntel surprised Ben in San Francisco,” which is what we call a lie. In the footage of Shawntel’s brief sojourn to the Bachelor circus, the women were vicious. Not only did they more or less call her ugly and a bitch, one girl even said that Shawntel’s thighs were bigger than hers. Then when trying to defend their actions, Erika, the perpetrator, justified her statement by explaining that her own thighs aren’t exactly small.

Best Summary of the Situation: When Chris asked Emily — the beautiful and intelligent woman that Ben let go in order to have more quality time with model Courtney — what she would think if Ben ended up proposing to Courtney, she succinctly replied, “Well, he made his bed and he can lie in it.” Which is true, until Courtney dumps him for a C-list actor with a taste for baby-voiced women.

Worst Summary of the Situation: Chris tried to take credit for Emily’s maturity and intelligence when he said, you were a smart girl before you came on to the show, but you seem to have really grown from your experience on The Bachelor. Yeah, studying epidemiology at Duke is nothing compared to this, man.

Funniest Line: Since both Courtney and Blakely weren’t on the show to make friends, Chris asked Blakely what she saw as the difference between her and Courtney. Blakely said, without a hint of irony, “The difference is I’m real and she’s not.” Only her plastic surgeon knows for sure!

Best Break with Tradition: While normally the final two women are excluded from the Women Tell All reunion special, the producers “invited” Courtney to come defend herself against the women’s vile accusations. Vile, in this instance meaning true. Despite her busy schedule pretending to be in love with Ben (or not, depending on what tabloid you read) Courtney accepted.

The Most Sincere Fake Apology Ever: Courtney walked on set looking both visibly shaken and ready for a fight and also like she was trying to remember everything that her recently-hired media trainer taught her. As Chris polled the ladies about who thought she was there to repair her image, Courtney took a few deep breaths and apologized for hurting their feelings. (Also, Courtney? When you repeatedly say “to be honest,” it makes you sound dishonest.) As the harangues continued, Courtney broke down in tears, talking about how the situation (that she created) is the hardest thing she’s ever had to go through and how she doesn’t like being torn apart in the tabloids.

Biggest tell? During her tear-filled pseudo-apology Courtney blurted, “I cared for him.” Note the past tense. Courtney then quickly corrected herself and added, “I still do care for him.”

Least Welcome Addition: It’s understandable that Ben would thinkThe Bachelor is all about him, given the show’s title.  So even though the episode is clearly called “The Women Tell All,” Ben shows up anyway. All the girls faun over him until they can’t keep it in any more and start begging for answers as to what they did, specifically, to be deemed unworthy of his love.

Saddest Cry for Attention: Comely nurse Jamie, who was kicked off for the show for what amounted to overwhelming awkwardness and poor kissing etiquette, threw her hat back into the ring with Ben. She announced that if Ben wasn’t happy with his choice, she was still available and interested. Oh honey, he’s just not that into you. And neither are we.

Come back next week because Chris Harrison promised it would be the most controversial finale ever, when Ben has to pick between the crazed, contrite model or the nice, stable rich girl. Guess who he’ll choose!

No, really, guess. Let us know in the comments below who you think he should/will pick.

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