On this week’s The Bachelor, Ben Flajnik had to lead his three remaining bridal options — Nicki, Lindzi, and Courtney — over the mountains Hannibal-style to Switzerland. This invasion is testing the country’s famed neutrality and, undoubtedly, its gag reflex, because this week is Fantasy Suites. That’s right, Ben’s going to climb every mountain that slips into a hot tub with him.
Let’s see who on The Bachelor made the hills come alive with the sound of music:
Most Mangled English: “My relationship with Nicki is getting to new heights, but at the same time it’s grounded,” said Ben before taking her up a mountain, asking her how she envisioned her week and weekends with him, reminding her that she dropped the “L Bomb,” telling her that he wants four kids, talking about his dead father, and then handing her a Fantasy Suite card.
Surprisingly Logical Rationale: After accepting the Fantasy Suite card, Nicki reminded America that 1. She was married already (ergo she’s not a virgin), 2. She’s in love, 3. They are less than a week away from a possible proposal, and 4. She doesn’t want Ben “to have anything un-answered.” The checklist thusly enumerated, she was then able to slip into something more comfortable (a bikini!) and join known philanderer Ben in a bubble bath on national television.
Worst Marriage Analogy: Now that we’re in the final stretch and things are getting really real, there’s no need to pretend that Ben devises the dates. So he and Lindzi are equally surprised when a brusque Swiss man informed them they will be repelling off a cliff. Not for fun, but to prove they are suitable life partners. Lindzi falls for it. Repelling down a 300-foot cliff with a camera strapped to your head is just like a relationship,”Things get tough. People get scared. You have to be there for each other.” The worst part of the analogy though? We heard all the same things weeks ago in Park City, Utah.
Sexy Time: After their near-relationship experience, Ben and Lindzi hit a conveniently located hot tub so Lindzi could do her best to “open up” while straddling him in a jacuzzi. Ben’s disembodied voice intones that he hopes that later in the Fantasy Suite they can reach “the vulnerable state [they] both need to be in,” which is a delightfully Victorian euphemism for engaging in premarital sex on national television. Ben applauded Lindzi’s vulnerability a few more times while she moaned that it’s all so really real before the cameras discretely faded to black.
Best New Game: Ben met Courtney and took her up the Alps for a picnic far far away from the other women. High on a hill, Ben introduced Courtney to a family game called “Hey Cow!” where you yell “Hey Cow!” until a cow turns. As Court says, the thing she loves about Ben is that “There’s never a dull moment. Even when there is, the silence is golden.” Hey Cow!
Most Fabricated Drama: The producers clearly instructed Ben to give this season a dramatic boost, so once he and Court were nestled together in front of a fire with a bottle of wine and the Fantasy Suite card tucked in his pocket, Ben confronted her about her relationships with women. While that sounds like a lead up to a dirty story, it is far less interesting. Courtney apologizes and wishes things weren’t so hard on her, Ben shrugged, handed her the Fantasy Suite key and blurted, “I know that I’m ready to take our relationship to the next step and have uninterrupted…” That wasn’t a euphemism at all, Ben!
The Cutest Zombie: To further fill the two hours it takes to tell this weekly saga of love and lust and poor decisions and maybe Valtrex, the producers dragged the show’s most recent castoff, Kacie B, all the way to Switzerland to grovel for answers. She knocked on Ben’s door and he gasped in shock at the bachelorette come back from the dead to stand on his doorstep. She had come for answers, which Ben eagerly handed over. Then before returning to the grave (a.k.a. Tennessee) Kacie decided it was only fair to throw Courtney under the bus in order to protect Ben. Ben got her out of his room just before they were crushed by a giant pile of awkward. Kacie B. collapsed in the hallway, dead again.
The Result: Lindzi got the first rose and after a very long dramatic pause, Courtney got the final one. That meant Nicki was sent home, because she is not a model nor a bad girl nor heir to a horse farm in Florida. The real winner though is Kacie B who got a trip to Switzerland and didn’t have to make out with Ben in a hot tub.
Come back next week when the reunion show lets us relive this season’s cattiness all over again.