The Bachelor Watch: Drama in Panama

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FRANCISCO ROMAN / ABC

This week on The Bachelor, Ben and his bevy of beauties headed to Panama City, Panama. After last week’s Great Skinny Dipping Incident, Courtney already has her eyes on the prize, which apparently involve seeing Ben naked. Again. Dream big, girl. This week, the dating pool was divided into one one-on-one, a group date, and a two-on-one date, which somehow manages to sound even dirtier than a group date.

Let’s see who stayed, who went, and who went to second:

Weirdest Date Prerequisite: Ben came to the hotel where the women were staying, handed Kacie B her second one-on-one date card and instructed her to pack three things and meet him at the helipad. She brought a green thing, a bottle opener, and a bag of candy. He brought a machete, a fishing net and matches. What could this weird bag of tricks lead to but …

Most Ominous Date: Ben and Kacie flew over the Panama Canal and landed on the deserted island of San Blas where they were abandoned and forced to fend for themselves. This dire situation allowed them to say things like, “We’re providing for each other,” and “If we can get through this, we can get through anything.” As long as “anything” means foraging for coconuts on a desert island in a bikini and not, say, filing your taxes on your second mortgage.

Kacie B’s Cunning Move: During dinner, Kacie opened up about her eating disorder. Kacie claimed that she doesn’t talk about her past struggle much, but “Ben made it easy.” Also there was no way Ben could hear about it and not give her the rose.

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Best Cross-Cultural Moment: In a completely “surprise” and “spontaneous” moment, the boatful of Bachelor contestants on their group date stumbled across a previously undiscovered Panamanian tribe. The chief adopted Ben as his son, dressed him in a loincloth and released him to the women who were awaiting the arrival of their king. It was enough to make Margaret Mead cry.

Most Unselfconscious Moment: As we all know, Courtney doesn’t do anything half-assed. Last week she went full moon while skinny-dipping with Ben and this week she went commando under her skirt. So when the local tribe gave the girls some beads for shirts, Courtney went for it, resulting in a wiggling black bar across her nearly naked chest for the duration of the shoot. At least black goes with everything.

Wiliest/Most Obnoxious Move: While Jamie tried to remind Ben that she existed, Courtney slipped into a little bikini (why so many clothes, Court?) and pranced around in the pool directly behind where Ben and Jamie were chatting. Like she was a magnetic tramp, Ben’s eyes were drawn to Courtney again and again until Jamie gave up and went to cry in the shower.

Awkward Date Award: Blakeley had forgotten to take her meds (or maybe she took to many?) because she was super pumped to go on a threesome with Ben and Rachel. Rachel, being relatively sane, is nervous going into a head-to-head dating competition, especially when she finds out it is a dancing date. Blakely, as a VIP cocktail waitress, has a lot of experience in dancing, but there is a hint of disappointment in her eyes when she realizes there’s no pole involved in salsa.

Most Important Cautionary Tale: Ladies, want to lose a guy in one day? Try Scrapbooking! In order to prove her love of Ben, Blakeley made a Scrapbook of Love of her and Ben’s relationship. It included drawings and collages of their past and future lives together, but sadly no imagined pictures of their future children. Sadly Ben walked away with glitter and glue on his hands, Rachel got the rose, and Blakely left empty-handed. Now she only has Pinterest.

A Big Betrayal: If you’re on The Bachelor, you never want Chris Harrison to show up during non-hosting hours. So when he popped by to talk to Kasey, it did not bode well. Turned out Kasey was in a relationship before she came on the show. Even though she swore they were broken up, Chris got in touch with his inner Dr. Phil and determined that she was still in love with her ex. As we all know, if you’re not entirely open to love, the process won’t work. Not that it ever works on this show, but still.

A Dicey Departure: Jamie has been trying to make an impression on Ben during her entire tenure but has consistently failed. Until now. As the contestant numbers dwindled, Jamie decided to make a move and kiss Ben. But she doesn’t just want to kiss him, she wants to give him Very Specific Directions on to how to kiss her. Mouth closed! Then mouth open! Eye contact! It was too much for Ben and he snapped that he couldn’t handle it. Jamie doesn’t get a rose and as she leaves, Ben doesn’t even bother with the courtesy kiss.

Come back next week when the group heads to Belize and are eaten by something that lives in Belize.

What did you think of last night’s episode? Let us know in the comments below.

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