Dancing with the Stars: Season Thirteen’s Final Performances

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Last night on Dancing with the Stars, the three finalists pulled out all the stops to impress America in the hopes of winning the coveted Mirror Ball trophy. Ricki Lake, Rob Kardashian and J.R. Martinez each performed two dances, one of which was the all-important freestyle number where anything goes, except jazz hands, which always remain. This is dancing after all.

Let’s see how the teams fared in this season’s final round of competition:

Best dancing-as-diet regiment moment: Once and future talk show host Ricki Lake kicked things off with a few words about her weight loss, before delivering a spicy cha cha while her inspiration/weight loss mentor Kirstie Alley watched from the audience. Ricki earned a solid 27 points from the judges. No word on how many calories she burned.

Most consonant-blessed audience members: Every week Rob Kardashian has enjoyed the support of various combinations of family members as they sit in the audience. For the finale, the entire family showed up (in matching suits nonetheless), including big sister Kim, who came out of her self-imposed post-mini-marriage hiatus to support her brother. Rob thanked them for their support by delivering a solid 27 for his waltz, for which he earned high praise from Judge Len Goodman, who said that, “He had more rise and fall than Pamela Anderson jogging.”

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Worst advice: Before the final performances, the judges step out from behind their table and into the rehearsal space to let the stars benefit from their firsthand advice. Judge Len Goodman headed into the rehearsal studio to give J.R. some pointers on his cha-cha-cha, and by pointers we mean literally pointing and staring at the veteran’s rear end. All of Len’s extra attention to his backside must have thrown J.R. off his game, because he scored a lowly 24.

Lamest entrance: To kick off her freestyle dance, Ricki Lake broke through a plus-size photo of herself reminding us, once again, that she is in it to win …the weight loss. Whatever her poundage, partner Derek Hough had no qualms about choreographing a routine that involved repeatedly lifting the actress over his head. When she balked, he told her, “Just shut your face.” Which one can assume was also his diet advice. The judges loved the routine awarding her another 27 out of 30 for her salsa-quickstep combo.

Most high-pressure moment: Cheryl Burke introduced her freestyle dance to Rob Kardashian by reminding him that she won the Mirror Ball twice with the freestyle …and lost it once. No pressure though! Over the course of the competition, Rob and Cheryl had not won a perfect score, but last night, they rectified that by performing a solid if not technically perfect freestyle to “Minnie the Moocher” and earning a 30 out of 30.

Most misleading behind-the-scenes moment: When the pros start crying the morning of the competition, you have cause for alarm. Yet when Karina Smirnoff and J. R. Martinez performed their salsa and hip hop-inspired freestyle routine, the judges and the crowd were blown away by the series of lifts and funky moves and the duo earned a perfect score from the judges. I guess reality television was lying to us? Who knew.

Best behind-the-scenes maneuvering: While Rob Kardashian has famous sisters to help rally the vote for him on Twitter, veteran and land mine survivor J.R. Martinez has the Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans’ Association pulling for him. While the IAVA’s Twitter following pales in comparison to the Kardashian sisters 20 million (!!!) followers, it is truly touching that they make the effort on their fellow vet’s behalf.

Final standings: Rob and Cheryl win the night with 57 points, while Ricki and Derek and J.R. and Karina are tied with 54 points.

Do we even need to remind you to come back tomorrow? It’s the finals—let’s bring this thing home!

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