“Uwe Boll here again. For the latest in my masterclass on how to single-handedly destroy cinema, I decided to take a not particularly amazing computer game and turn it into a even less amazing movie. Lord of the Rings rip-off you say? Mein Gott, how short-sighted of you. Someone had to do it, didn’t they? And who knew Ray Liotta could play camp so well? He’s not all tough-guy this, I’m-going-to-kick-your-face-in that.”
“Ok, so maybe the movie could have done better at the box office. But you know what they say, you can’t lose if you don’t play the game.”
Remember in the summer of 2007, when you saw Die Hard with a Vengeance and you asked yourself if it was possible for villain Timothy Olyphant to show fewer facial expressions? Then you saw Hitman and you were all like, “Oh, I guess it is possible.”
As Agent 47, an assassin betrayed by his former organization, Olyphant plays bald very well which, if you’ve ever played the Hitman video game — or even just seen the box — you understand is essential to the movie. It’s also the film’s most illogical part. Whose genius idea was it to create a super-secret organization of bald assassins with bar codes on the back of their heads? That dude’s identifiable a mile away!
As we prepare for the Game of Thrones finale, we recognize Joffrey and nine other baddies who showed us that terrible, horrible things can come in small packages
