Tuned In

JPTV: What I'm Watching Tonight. A Play In One Act

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Little Devil Sitting on My Shoulder: He’s watching American Idol.

Little Angel Sitting on My Other Shoulder: How can you even say that? He’s watching the Democratic debate on MSNBC.

Devil: [Snorts derisively.]

Angel: Don’t mock me! American Idol is just two hours of bloated audition footage milking cheap laughs out of bad singers, 95% of whom are probably singing badly on purpose! These next few weeks could decide this country’s future! That earnest little guy from Ohio will be there!

Devil: American Idol’s the only election in this country that really matters. It’s about dreams and cruel, honest judgment, unlike that phony stage-managed tea party you’ll be watching. And the only bigoted code words will be when Simon and Ryan make gay jokes about each other.

Angel: Cynic!

Devil: Moron!

Tiny Peaceable Gnome on My Shirt Collar: Everyone, calm down! You know James has a dual-tuner TiVo. He can watch both your shows!

Angel and Devil: Mind your own business, wussy! Let us have our fight! These are the end times! This battle for the heart and mind of this TV critic must be won decisively!

[They set upon Peaceable Gnome, bludgeoning him with their pitchfork and harp until he lies crumpled and lifeless.]

Devil: You know, Ange, it’s times like these when our mutual enemies remind us just how much we have in common.

Angel [trembling and crossing shoulder]: I… I love you.

[They embrace and grope each other passionately. Fade to black.]