It’s called choralography. That little thing choirs do, where they make little joyous motions with their hands, or–gospel-choir-style–push them up toward the sky like they’re trying to hold up heaven? Choralography. This is one of the many things you learn when you watch Clash of the Choirs with an actual choral-music authority.
The one thing I didn’t need Mrs. Tuned In to tell me was that Maria Menounos has no business hosting anything higher-profile than a Lotto drawing. Or that at two hours this was a looooooong show for only five performances. And I could do without the nicey-nice round in which all the coaches compliment each others’ choirs on their performance, or on their choice of charitable beneficiary (my favorite, Patti LaBelle: “I am so happy that we have the troops.”) This is reality TV, dammit! I demand a cruel panel of judges!
Speaking of cruel judges, what did Mrs. Tuned In have to say about the contestants? She was so-so on Team Shelton and Team Lachey, slightly more positive on Team Rowland: “They didn’t sing a lot of harmony. A lot of unison. Which actually made them sound more amateurish, in a good way.” She gives the first night nod to Team LaBelle: “That was the only one that resembled a choir.” But Team Bolton, pack your bags: comments ranged from “This isn’t really choir music”–it was basically a lead vocal with backup singers–to “They really blew.”
Tough? Maybe. But this ain’t tiddlywinks, baby. This is choir.